[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
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when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Welcome
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Monica just destroyed the internet