*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
You Might Also Like
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Mouse
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy