Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
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Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
spicy snake
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.