@DaddyJew: [trying to console a friend after a tough break up]
Me: *just throwing puppies at her
@WhaJoTalkinBout: I had to call some kid's mom last night to tell her he's selling pot, and that it's waaay overpriced.
@qikipedia: In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
@tangledteatime: Me: Am I your only friend?
Imaginary friend: Sure are!
Imaginary friend's imaginary friend: Wow, I'm right here.
@markleggett: We only have world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn't give up on their dreams.
@Lisa_Laughs_: If you're wearing Superman undies, but she's a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.