I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
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He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
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