@DaddyJew: [trying to console a friend after a tough break up]
Me: *just throwing puppies at her
@MariyaAlexander: Your Harvard education doesn't make me respect you more - it makes me respect Harvard less.
@TheBeerGuy73: Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
@iscoff: [Guy on the Death Star who's really sick of hearing Vader's breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I'm going to put on some music
@KizerBillhelm: As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
@bornmiserable: ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can't die here