@DaddyJew: [trying to console a friend after a tough break up]
Me: *just throwing puppies at her
"Hey... You're not a surgeon!"
"If Affleck can be Batman..."
"Fair enough. Scalpel."
@newLettuce: Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
@murrman5: [sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
@squirrel74wkgn: *spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
@iinkedZombie: Cop: know why I pulled you over?
"Hopefully to arrest me."
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle