@DaddyJew: [trying to console a friend after a tough break up]
Me: *just throwing puppies at her
@shutupmikeginn: Me: your freezer went out I had to eat all the ice cream sandwiches
Friend: it looks like someone kicked the outlet back into the drywall
@BruceForce: My wife says I'm a clueless idiot.
I didn't even know I had a wife.
@RaynaTheGreat: All of your inspirational tweets make me want to track you down and pee on something you love.
@TheHyyyype: Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
@Vodkantots: I'm starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.