I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
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Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
If I ignore life will it go away?
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin