In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
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[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
socratic questions
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.