Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
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Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
When you “pspspsp” too hard
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
What about second breakfast?
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.