Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
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I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is