[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
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This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
two people or more is called a problem
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?