@GensPlace: Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn't mean bottle.
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@TheTweetOfGod: Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
@jasonroeder: I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we're both pointing at the same tornado.
@NicestHippo: [doing standup] So I live in Kansas— [hysterical laughter] That…that wasn't the joke
@fakedansavage: Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate