Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
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when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Tier 3 meme
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.