Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
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*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
So we got a goldfish…
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked