[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
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KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera