[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
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put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
January is lasting longer than my marriage