[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
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Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories