[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
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The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
mood
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”