[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
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Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
🤣🤣💀
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
me adding lol on a serious message
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?