[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
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Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
thinking about a very short hotdog
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.