[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
You Might Also Like
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me