@philandher96: Trying to make pancakes this morning and it turns out I didn't get the spatula in the divorce.
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@Darlainky: [liquor store] Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring. Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection* Him: Oh, it's you.
@FrogAvalanche: [Jesus plays hide-n-seek] Jesus: [exiting cave] Ah, ya found me! Let's play again. Harder this time. Find me now. [He ascends to Heaven]
@trevso_electric: If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.