@philandher96: Trying to make pancakes this morning and it turns out I didn't get the spatula in the divorce.
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@Douchekevin: Ever fill a garbage bag, put your foot on it and stomped the hell out of it so it held 9 times what it's supposed to? Yoga pants explained.
@XplodingUnicorn: The fastest person on earth isn't Usain Bolt. It's any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
@EndhooS: [Commercial for axes] [A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods] *Turns to camera* "There has to be a better way?"