Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
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3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
so much to do
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.