@philandher96: Trying to make pancakes this morning and it turns out I didn't get the spatula in the divorce.
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@Contwixt: "Shrooms before brooms," I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
@LoneWolfStories: If I'm your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.
@amydillon: H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed? M: Actually... *stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours* M: That was amazing.
@LnL245: "Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun" *drops string cheese* "This hole is no cause for alarm" *picks up string cheese*