Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
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Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.