[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
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The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training