[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
You Might Also Like
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I’m not stressed
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers