TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
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I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup