Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
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Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Catercrombie & Fish
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
😂😂
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”