TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
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‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
screw you
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend