TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
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Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
when someone compliments me
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”