Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
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Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Good news
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?