TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
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😆this is so true
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
the short answer to this question
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast