TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
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the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
What the hell happened here.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.