#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
You Might Also Like
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Fight
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?