#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
You Might Also Like
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.