Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
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For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
🤣could you imagine
look at me when i’m typing to you
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller