TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
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Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
“HELP WITH CAT”
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread