I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
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[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.