Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
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A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.