Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
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*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Isn’t
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.