@hollyberryness: Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
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@KentWGraham: My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
@bobvulfov: [after an accident on the ski slope] ME: did i nail the triple backflip PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.