Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
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Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.