friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
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Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Hero horse inspires millions
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
What do you hear?
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread