Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
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When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
this could fix me
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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