Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
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Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
my first dose meeting my second
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.