*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
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me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
🤣🤣🤣
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Ron is short for Aaronald
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.