Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
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To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I’m sorry…what?
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”