*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
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I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble