My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
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[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.