I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
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Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too