If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
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I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I don’t get marriage
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between