Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
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Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Warm pools make me nervous.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!