Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
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When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.