Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
You Might Also Like
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Best table by far
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
saw this in a dream
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!