@Boleyngirly: Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
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@SteveSuckington: It's amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
@stuckinaportal: [mastercard commercial] "there are some things that money can't buy" politician: i don't get it
@5hael: My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
@jackie_ibbyxo: If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.