@thatUPSdude: Turns out if you fake a heart attack every Monday work sends you to HR and not the hospital.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt. Me: Don’t lick the dog. 2: He licked me first.
@MarlonBrandNO: Mom: Take out the trash *I take the trash on a lovely date* Mom: Not what I meant *I assassinate the trash in an ally* Mom: Still wrong
@shatterpants: When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.
@ActuallyEmerson: Gay guys don't listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say "I know, right?!" while we wait for our turn to talk.