@thatUPSdude: Turns out if you fake a heart attack every Monday work sends you to HR and not the hospital.
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@ericsshadow: [first date] I'm really nervous about this. It's been a long time since I've [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
@turtledumplin: A zombie apocalypse will be the only time you'll hear me say 'please don't eat me' ......aaaand send
@scubavelli: "Oh I'll be your relationship status alright..." -me sleeping outside this Taco Bell
@brian_bilston: Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled "The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass".