What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
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My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
pat pat
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
All food is good if you spell it wrong