@thatUPSdude: Turns out if you fake a heart attack every Monday work sends you to HR and not the hospital.
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@GensPlace: I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
@ShortSleeveSuit: Interviewer: Strengths? Me: Punctuality Interviewer: Weaknesses? Me [alarm clock sounds & I snort cocaine off of a knife blade]: NONE