My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
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Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.