putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
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When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.